''March? April?''\nHe helps out at the place I work. He drives downtown all the way from Lancaster to get there.\n\nI flirt with him via IM. We have anal sex twice. Once on my creaky bed surrounded by moldy cups of wine and baby spiders. Once in the back stairwell of the building in pitch black darkness. His hands are rough and calloused. He drives a truck. He had a daughter when he was a teenager and she's almost my age.\n\nWe don't use condoms. He comes inside me and I poop the semen out into the toilet. It's a weird slithery slimey feeling.\n\n[[The End.]]
He leans over and kisses me. His lips are soft and his technique is clumsy. I haven't kissed a boy since I was 14. Except on a dare.\n\n[[We set up a date for the next week.]]
We're in the backseat of his car in a Honda dealership at night and a cop comes and is like hey what's the deal.\n\nHe hops out of the car and announces that he's cheating on his girlfriend and the cop is totally thrown and I'm a fucking disgusting mess and I wonder what the cop thinks of us but the cop just says "you can't do that here" and [[we leave.]]
''December''\nI didn't have sex with Alfred Molina. I met him once when I was 9 though and he was super nice and talked to me for a long time about acting.\n\nAnyways 10 years after I met Alfred Molina I wanted to have sex with a man because I'd never done it so I put an ad on Craigslist.\n\n"Life Sucks. Do You Like Fat Chicks?"\n\nI had jury duty the next morning.\n\nI got a lot of [[replies.]]
The summer I turned 19, I decided I wanted to try having sex with men. This Twine is about that summer and the months that followed. Content is sexually explicit.\n\n[[Cactus]]\n[[Berlin]]\n[[Pearl Jam]]\n[[Alfred Molina]]\n[[Scary Movie 3]]\n[[Beverly Laurel]]\n[[RIP Grandpa]]\n[[Lancaster]]\n\n[[Epilogue]]
''February''\nIt's Valentines Day and I just got waxed and I'm going to see Sparks play at UCLA later. I take the bus to this dude's place in the Hollywood Hills because his roommate is gone.\n\nHe's hungover. I insisted on coming over. I'm on top and it's okay and he's not being crushed and in fact it feels awesome.\n\nI take the Sunset bus to UCLA. The concert is great.\n\n[[The End.]]
It still feels like this.\n\nIt still feels this good.\n\nWe yelled at each other this morning and it's really hard sometimes but it still feels so good. It feels better. I was so scared then because I felt so strongly and was still in so much pain but I'm not as scared now and I'm in less pain. He's helped with that.\n\nYou're probably all like HEY WHAT'S THE DEAL LILZY WHERE'S THE HOT SEX I'M HERE FOR HOT SEX sorry this hot sex right here is none of your beeswax.\n\nSo there.\n\nThe End.
I kept most of my favorite pictures. One guy sent me a picture of him with his kid in a tank.\n\nI meet the one I choose at a gas station near my parents house. I was home for winter break and unbelievably depressed and about to drop out of college.\n\nHe pulls up in a shiny black Cadillac from the 70s. He's wearing a velvet blazer and a polkadot neck scarf. He has a thick black mustache and looks like Alfred Molina in Boogie Nights.\n\nWe smoke American Spirits and go to his place and drink bourbon and talk about Leni Riefenstahl because that's what you do I guess when you have heterosexual sex.\n\nHe has a framed photo of Cole Porter on his piano. [[He has a piano.]]
I leave my shoes and stockings on and watch the shadows of my heels on the wall while we're doing it. I can't feel much. Whatever.\n\nThe sex is okay. I honestly don't know this guy's name. He really likes my blowjobs because I'm amazing at them and just rub my whole face against his junk like I'm a cat because full disclosure having his dick in my mouth is pretty boring.\n\nI don't like him. I don't like talking to him. He's not good looking to me. We have no chemistry. There's some crappy Angelina Jolie action movie he's into watching and I don't want to.\n\nI get a ride in the morning and never see him again.\n\n[[The End.]]
''December''\nI realize I didn't figure out a way to get to the airport to go home for break. He picks me up and drives me. It's the first time we see one another in the daylight. He parks and walks me to security. He kisses me goodbye. I've been kissed before in alleys and bedrooms and hallways and swimming pools and buses and subways and abandoned kitchens and parks and natural history museums but never in an airport before. This is the most public kiss I've ever had in my life. There are people everywhere and I'm kissing this man like it's the most normal thing in the world and no one thinks anything of it but nothing has ever felt so alien to me. This is all rushing through my mind and I hate it and I want him to leave.\n\nI didn't finish my finals. I'm failing. I'm in love with my advisor and I don't realize it then but the relationship is toxic. I'm going home and I have to report to jury duty but at least it will be warm in LA. We kiss goodbye and he leaves and once the coast is clear I go outside and smoke a few cigarettes to get the kiss [[off of my mouth.]]
I try to touch his dick and he pushes my hand away.\n\n"It can be very dangerous!"\n\nI guess he's talking about sex. His accent is funny. He has a good idea for a safe sex thing we can do.\n\nHe's lying on the floor and he wants me to walk on his back.\n\nI giggle and like try to step on but have you ever tried to keep your balance on someone's back? When you're drunk? It's really hard.\n\nI did my best. He seemed happy enough.\n\n[[Cool.]]
<<display 'Start'>>
He smokes too. We go to my room for like cold beer or something. We're sitting on my bed smoking and talking about something. We start making out.\n\nClothes come off. I'm probably being really really really loud because duh I'm super drunk. I keep trying not to think about the fact that the glasses make him look like a scary Nazi doctor from a movie. I don't tell him that I'm Jewish, or maybe I do. He's from Munich.\n\nWhen he puts his arms around me, he's shocked. "Y-you're so...big!"\nOh okay. When he said he was blind, [[he actually meant it.]]
I'm straddling his face and he's eating me out and it feels great and I'm probably being SUPER DUPER loud because moaning is fun and turns me on to do also PS I'm drunk remember.\n\n"Sit on me."\n\n"But I'll hurt you."\n\n"I WANT TO FEEL YOUR WEIGHT!"\n\nSo I sit on his face properly and I admit that it felt way way way way better than me trying to not crush him. I didn't cum or anything but it felt cool and he pulled away gooey faced and blue and choking.\n\n[[We smoked another cigarette.]]
''August''\nI'm so drunk. I'm soooooooo drunk. I'm chainsmoking and dirty and loud and grinning and red and I've had almost a whole bottle of Stoli to myself. I think I'm drinking a beer or something.\n\nNo one in my 'study in Berlin' program wants to talk to me. I'm too cool or too much of a mess. My hair is inky black with a rat tail because I cut it myself and can't see the back.\n\nSomeone introduces me to a German guy who is blonde and in a jumpsuit and has giant glasses that magnify his eyes times a billion. I'm a history major so hey he wants to talk about German history. Cool.\n\n[[Let's talk.]]
Sex With Men
''April''\nAfter talking online we meet for hot cocoa in the fashion district downtown because he seems really nice and we have similar interests and I'm desperate for friends.\n\nWe walk around for a few hours and talk and he's very tall and it's hard to keep up with him but conversation comes so easily. So much more easily than it has in a long time.\n\nI've been in such a dark place. I've been so miserable.\n\nI'm not sure what to do when we say goodbye. I opt to hug him. [[His body is so bony in my arms.]]
We never see each other again. He sends me an email saying I need to stop acting like his girlfriend and that he's been seeing someone this whole time who he really likes.\n\nI'm pissed and send him an email saying fuck off.\nI'm sad and hurt and send him an email apologizing for whatever.\nI'm desperately depressed and miserable and about to drop out of college and I send him an email begging him to be my friend.\n\nI never receive a reply.\n\n[[The End.]]
And he left. I fell asleep or something. He gave me his number but I never called.\n\nI later found out he was a factory worker who always cruised summer programs at the university for chubby American girls. I was both relieved and disappointed to learn that I wasn't special to him in any way.\n\n[[The End.]]
He picks me up from the office building where I work in Century City. We drive to his place, which is someone's garage in Northridge that's been converted into a studio.\n\nHe puts on Neil Young and we make out for a while. He goes down on me and I fake an orgasm.\n\nI give him a blowjob. I have never done it before. "Like A Hurricane" is playing. He ejaculates into my mouth and I swallow it. My stomach is empty and I think I can feel the semen sloshing around inside me.\n\nI ask if he wants to smoke a cigarette and he says yeah after the song is over. [[That song is a billion years long.]]
We're talking and he's REALLY cute and I'm talking so fast and blushing and I'm a little panicky and nervous and he's looking right into my eyes and it's hot and reassuring.\n\nHe's really good at kissing. He's really good at touching me. He goes down on me a bunch and is good at that too. The bed is comfy and there's a MIRROR THAT I CAN LOOK AT MYSELF IN WHILE I'M FUCKING and I'm just having a [[nice time.]]
''March''\nI take a taxi to his place from my grandfather's funeral. I'm so drunk. I'm wearing all black with a garter belt and nylons and heels because I may be in mourning but I'm still a fucking sex bomb.\n\nI ran away from the burial that morning and smoked a cigarette under a palm tree in the cemetary. But now I'm drunk as hell from the reception and at this dude's apartment off of Melrose and his friend is there smoking weed and like HELLO MY GRANDPA JUST DIED I CAME HERE FROM A FUNERAL AND I WANT TO HAVE SEX WITH YOU YOU IDIOT NOW GET RID OF YOUR FRIEND AND [[LET'S FUCK.]]
''January''\nHe replies to an ad I put on Craigslist. He's a graphic designer. He's into fat girls and he's way cute. We send funny sexts to each other, but he has a roommate so it takes a while for us to figure out a place to fuck.\n\nWe decide on the Beverly Laurel Motel on Beverly Boulevard next to Swingers.\n\n[[There's a giant mirror next to the bed.]]
He got down on his hands and knees.\n\n"Will you get on my back and ride me?"\n\n"Like a horse?"\n\n"Sure."\n\nSo I'm naked and on his back and giggling as I'm grinding my clit against his spine yelling YEEEHAWWWW but he doesn't like that because he thinks I'm making fun of him so I stop.\n\nWe get back on the bed and he's on his back and pulling me so I'm straddling his face. I can hear the party outside my window.\n\n[[Oh hey, that feels nice.]]
I take the elevator up to the loftspace where I live and work and I'm smoking a cigarette drinking coffee in the kitchen and my coworker asks how my morning was.\n\nI explain to them that I just met a person I really like. But I don't know how I like him yet.\n\nHe invites me over to watch a movie at his apartment. He picks me up and has made me a mix and a copy of a Miranda Sex Garden album. He's much older than me which should feel weird but isn't. I'm really relieved that he doesn't want to have sex with me. I'm sick of people always trying to have sex with me.\n\nAfter the movie we accidentally talk for three hours. [[It feels like thirty minutes.]]
''December''\nWe're talking on Facebook chat. He's visiting his family for Christmas. He's drunk. He wants to have cybersex.\n\nHim: So what should I do?\nMe: Huh?\nHim: That's how cybersex works right? We tell eachother what to do.\nMe: Oh, okay.\n\nThat's not how it works, by the way. \n\nMe: You know Cactus by the Pixies? Put that on and put something in your butt and jerk off but you have to stop the album before Tony's Theme comes on or else you won't get to orgasm.\nHim: Okay cool.\nMe: And you can't orgasm until you call me because I want to hear you do it.\nHim: But I'm at my dad's house.\nMe: Do it quietly.\n\nThis is what happens. He later asks me if I would fuck him with a dildo and I say yeah [[sure.]]
We're flirting online I think and talking about how we both like cuddling and we make a cuddling date and I bring Forbidden Zone on DVD because he's never seen it and we watch it on his couch in his apartment and we don't touch until it's over.\n\nHe turns and hugs me and I hug him and we're hugging and it's ugh it's so NICE it's so fucking nice. And then I feel his lips on my neck really sweetly and nicely and we're kissing on the mouth and he's shy and kind and we go to the bed and just hug and kiss and I'm on cloud fucking nine I'm so happy I feel so good I can't stop smiling and wondering if this is what love feels like.\n\n[[Spoiler: this is what love feels like.]]
Who the fuck has a piano? He's a screenwriter with a piano. Weird. Anyways he like starts grabbing my boobs and I'm like hey dude why don't you kiss me and he's all surprised I wanted to kiss. He asks me about my favorite sex positions and I lie because I don't know.\n\nDoggy style doesn't work because my butt is too big and I don't know how to be on top and his dick keeps falling out so eventually we give up and I go over by his dick and he jerks off and looks at my face and tells me how pretty I am over and over and over again.\n\n"You're so fucking pretty you're so fucking pretty you're so fucking pretty you're so fucking pretty" like yeah I am and the sex sucked but that part was pretty validating and he came on his fingers and drove me home and I never saw him again.\n\n[[The End.]]
He's cheating on his girlfriend with me. They live together. They have cats together.\n\nSomething about him disgusts me. He likes me a lot. He isn't cool. I don't tell anyone because I don't want anyone to know that I'm not exclusively into women.\n\nWe start talking more. Like every day. [[It becomes a reason for me to get out of bed in the morning.]]
''August''\nI'm back from Berlin and we go to a park on the West side. I'm sitting against a tree and he's trying to go down on me and I'm like dude SOMEONE COULD WALK BY this is a TERRIBLE IDEA so we park near my parents' house and make out and I'm trying to give him a hand job but he says I'm doing it wrong. Then I make a joke and he loses his boner because I'm funny, which is a pretty bad sign now that I think about it. Then I go home and [[go back to college in Massachusetts.]]
He ejaculates onto my stomach and wipes it off with a warm towel because he is some sort of wizard. We eat Doritos and watch Mythbusters and then fuck a few more times.\n\nHe goes to sleep and I go downstairs for a milkshake. The guy I dated for a month when I was 14 is there. I say hey. I stink of sex.\n\n[[I walk the three miles home in a great mood.]]
''September''\nI tell my roommate about him. We're Facebook friends and we talk on the phone sometimes. \n\nI refresh Facebook obsessively to see if he's online. We talk about Suspiria which is my new favorite movie. I think about him a lot. It starts to get unhealthy.\n\nHe says he wants to see me when I'm back for [[winter break.]]
We talk on the phone when I'm home. I want him to leave me alone. I tell him about the Craigslist sex I'm having and that I'm not being safe and he's jealous and worried about me and sad and hurt.\n\nI tell him I don't care about him and that I was using him. He doesn't want to accept that. He wants me to take care of myself. I tell him he's not my boyfriend he's not my dad he's not anything. I want to hurt him and I do. I tell him to stop calling me and he finally does.\n\nHe messages me six months later to tell me he's doing well and hopes I am too. He's in a new relationship and he's getting married.\n\nI'm happy for him, but I don't respond.\n\n[[The End.]]
''June''\nI'm at the Aero in Santa Monica smoking a cigarette. John Carpenter is a few feet away from me signing autographs. A cute chubby dude who looks a little like a young Brian Wilson starts talking to me.\n\nWe sit together for Escape From LA and get coffee afterwards. We're smoking and talking and laughing and it's really really nice.\n\nHe drives me home.\n\n"Would it be okay if I kissed you?"\n\n[[Yes.]]
He makes up the word "loke" which is supposed to be in between love and like. He lokes me. He starts calling me his girlfriend. I say I feel the same way. I don't. I just don't want the attention to end.\n\nWe're listening to the radio in his car and that Pearl Jam song comes on that's like "She lies and says she's in love with him, can't find a better man" and I want him to change it and say I hate Pearl Jam and he makes fun of me for being young and won't change it and he's singing along and I feel like the worst person because he's a really nice guy and he likes me a lot and I'm totally using him and I'm the worst.\n\n[[Ugh.]]
''December''\nI meet a dude on Craigslist. He's super skinny and is a law student and lives right near my parents outside of Beverly Hills behind a lawn furniture store on Pico. So I walk over there and he's watching Scary Movie 3 and the air smells like weed and we have missionary sex for what seems like a thousand years and it's the worst and I leave and it was so boring and he kept trying to meet me again.\n\nI have a bruise on the inside of my thigh from his dumb hipbone for like two weeks.\n\n[[The End.]]
''November''\nI post an ad on Western Massachusetts Craigslist and he replies. He's a chubby comic book geek aspiring comedian.\n\nHe has a gap in his teeth and we make out in his car. He's a lawyer in his 30s. He feels me up under thousands of layers of clothing because it's Massachusetts and it's fucking freezing and I'm encrusted with filth because I'm monstrously depressed.\n\n[[We start talking more.]]